


Depression is a bitch

by Misai



Series: Sanvers shorts [2]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Dissasotiation, F/F, Pain, This Is Sad, sad!alex, selfharm, why did i write this????
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-11 20:17:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13531758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misai/pseuds/Misai
Summary: Do you like seeing Alex Danvers in pain? Then this is the one shot for you.





	Depression is a bitch

**Author's Note:**

> Tw selfharm
> 
> Do I write stories about my favourite characters dealing with issues I have instead of dealing with them constructively? Yes. Yes I do.

5.1  
Alex knew that if she called Maggie right now, she'd come for her. She'd bring vegan ice cream and a warm smile. She'd hug her, tell her she loved her. Ride or die. But she would also stop her from what she was about to do. What she needed to do.  
Alex didn't call Maggie.  
Instead she just sat on the cold bathroom floor with the nail clippers in her hand. Soon there would be multiple symmetrical red lines on her thigh. Matching the faded scars, that were still visible if you looked hard enough.  
  
There was still some blood running down along her calve. She barely noticed it. It felt like everything was spinning and standing still at the same time. Time was racing and here she sat, frozen in the blue light of the bathroom. There was a little toothpaste on the floor next to the sink. She'd have to clean that.  
Alex hadn't done this in a long time. Not since she had joined the D.E.O at least. She didn't even have a fucking reason. She had a beautiful, amazing -God what would Maggie think if she saw her now?- girlfriend. A sweet, supportive sister. If anyone had the right to feel like this it was Kara.  
Kara with the weight of the world on her shoulders.  
Kara with the smile that shines like the sun, the perfect hero.  
And Alex, with an empty bottle of scorch and bloodied scissors.  
Tears had started to run down her face. She only noticed when one hit her hand. What time was It? It was light outside. No. It had just been evening. She still couldn't get up.  
'Deamn it you're a fucking soldier and you can't even get out of your own bathroom'

1.  
Alex had stopped selfharming as soon as Kara came into her life. Not because she didn't want to anymore. Not because the emptiness had disappeared, but because Kara could (quite litterally) see through her. Her moher could never find out. 

2.  
It happened again when she went away for college. When the stress got too much. When her boyfriend -her nice, polite, every girls dream, boyfriend- wanted to sleep with her and she did. But it felt wrong. Wrong. Wrong. And she felt so empty.  
So it kept happening.

3.  
When she started working for the D.E.O, she knew she would have to get it under control. Long, partied away nights and bloody thighs turned into research and excessive exercise.  
Then Kara became supergirl. The world was close to ending every other week. There was simply no time for personal problems, all that mattered was keeping Kara safe.

4.  
Then she got kidnapped.  
She had had to cut her arm open, to have a chance to escape. She had had to do it. That's what she told herself.  
It got harder after that.  
Even with Maggie by her side. The love of her life. Woman of her dreams. She could never know. 

5.2.  
Here she was.  
Alone.  
'Kara doesn't need you'  
Useless  
'Maggie will leave you, look at you, piece of crap'  
Failure.  
The voice in her head sounded remarkably similar to her mothers.  
If Alex weren't a soldier, she would not have heared the keys jiggling outside. Footsteps stepping into her apartment. She didn't even have the energy to get up.  
She knew who it was. Only two people had the keys to her apartment. Kara was at Lenas tonight.  
'Maggie can't find out  
She struggled to get up But the world was still spinning. Spinning. Spinning.  
"Alex? Baby where are you? I called like four times!"  
She was falling. ' Maggie can't find out  
There was a crash. Was that her? She geared feet hitting the floor. Then knocking. "Alex? Are you all right?!" 'No.no no no no No!' She wanted to scream, 'I've never been all right! Useless. Pathetic. Weak weak weak' not a word came out of her mouth.  
"Baby please open th door" Alex did, she didn't have the energy to fight anymore. "Oh Alex" was all Maggie said. She stood there 'like an angel. It was the last thing Alex thought before she passed out.

6.  
Maggie had made her go to therapy. She wasn't sure if it helped. Maybe it would someday.


End file.
